She's Having My Baby Back Ribs
by Monteen Stover
Summary: Finding herself with a few extra pounds, Cosette goes on a secret diet. Marius can't figure out why she's acting so strangely until Courfeyrac suggests. . .
1. She's WHAT?

**_She's Having My Baby Back Ribs_**

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Disclaimer: I still don't own Les Miz and probably never will.

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Cosette sat on a bench with two women she had met earlier that morning, Brigitte and Cecile. The three were deep in conversation, when the subject of men came up.

"Cosette, you're married, right?" Brigitte asked.

"Yes," Cosette answered. "And I love Marius more than anything."

"I don't believe I've ever met someone named Marius before. Is he handsome?"

"Well, I like to think so."

"Didn't you say he's part of that student rebellion? Oh! Does he look half as good as the leader, Enjolras, does?"

Cosette picked at a blueberry scone she had purchased earlier. "Why do you have to be so hung up on looks? Come on, this thing's huge. Would you like some?"

"You think you can maintain a great body by eating all the time? Take my sister, Cecile, she has young men lining up at her door every day."

Cecile, who had been quiet until now, spoke up. "Come now, I don't look half as good as you do."

"Don't you beautiful people have anything better to do?' Cosette snapped.

The two sisters left the park giggling, leaving Cosette to wonder for the first time if she was indeed ugly.

**************************************************

"Is Cosette beautiful or what?" Marius asked watching his wife just a few feet away. "I tell you, Courfeyrac, I could watch that girl eat scones forever."

Courfeyrac nodded. "Boy, Marius, marriage really agrees with you."

"Yeah, it does. I mean, I like every wonderful thing we do. Every. . .wonderful. . .thing."

"I know, because you tell me every. . .wonderful. . .day."

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Gavroche had watched Cosette buy her hot, savory, blueberry scone. The young street urchin remembered that it had been weeks since he'd had a decent meal. Gavroche resumed digging through the trash, still keeping an eye on Cosette's scone. He silently hoped that it would fall to the ground. It didn't. Cosette picked at her lunch. This seemed to annoy Gavroche. "You either eat it or you don't. What's so hard about that?"

Cosette looked at the gamin for the first time. "Who are you?"

"I'm. . .um. . .Gavroche."

"Gavroche, I know this puts you in an odd position, but do you think I'm fat?"

At first, Gavroche did think this was odd, especially coming from a stranger. Then, he realized why she had asked. '_This lady,_' he reasoned. '_Shouldn't want any food if she thinks she's fat._' Gavroche cleared his throat and replied hastily. "Honestly? Yes."

Cosette got up with tears welling in her eyes. "Thank you," she choked out as she left the park.

Meanwhile, Gavroche pounced on the scone as a wolf does it's prey and ate it ravenously as if someone were about to take it from him. 

**************************************************

"Marius, do you think I'm attractive?" Cosette asked as she studied herself in the mirror the next morning.

"Of course I do," Marius answered still in bed.

"And you'll always love me no matter what?"

"Yeah. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

Marius got out of bed to hug his wife. "I know what it is."

"You do?" 

"You haven't had your morning waffles slathered in butter and swimming in syrup."

"I'm just feeling a little nauseous this morning, that's all. WHY CAN'T I ZIP UP THIS DRESS???!!!"

"Honey, are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"Yes, I. . .I've got to go," Cosette replied as she left the house.

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"I don't understand," said Courfeyrac as he bit into his third waffle. "These are so good."

"Well you don't have to tell me that," Marius replied as he swept an arm around the cafe. "Usually, I'd be sitting here with Cosette, but she didn't want to come. What's going on?"

"Let's try to figure this out. She's tired, no appetite, cranky, nauseous, and couldn't fit into her dress. Marius?"

"Yes, Courfeyrac?"

"How would you feel if these two big waffles got all slathered in butter and made a little waffle?"

"I know what you're saying. You want seconds."

"No. Cosette is pregnant!"


	2. Madame Bouvier's School of Refinement

**Disclaimer**: Okay, a lot of things in the first chapter were taken from the T.V. series "_Boy Meets World_"(yeah, like you didn't notice), and I was going to do the whole thing like that with Les Miz characters.  However, I got a different idea!  Anyway, please be sure to tell me if you like it, or not.  Thanks!

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Fearing that Marius would disapprove, Cosette decided to keep her diet a secret.  She had been wandering aimlessly through the streets of Paris for the past two hours, when she finally decided to go home.  She barely touched the doorknob when Marius swept her into the room.  

"Come in," Marius beckoned.

Cosette tsk-tsk'd herself as she looked around the kitchen.  "I'd really better clean up this mess before I get started cooking.

"No, no.  You just sit down.  I'll do all that myself."

Cosette wondered why Marius had a sudden interest in housekeeping, then had a horrible thought.  '_Marius doesn't love me anymore.  He hates my cooking and now I'm not even good enough to sweep his floors!  I bet he thinks I'm ugly, too.  Compared to other women who admire Marius, I look too young and naive.'  _Cosette felt an onslaught of tears rising as she watched Marius try to scramble up a lunch.  If she wasn't good enough for him, then she'd just have to change.  But how?

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"Excuse me, is this _Madame Bouvier's School of Refinement, _where you learn to be a lady in under seven days?" Cosette asked an elderly looking woman at the door of a large building.

The elderly woman had sharp, piercing eyes, thin lips, and a heap of gray hair poofed up on her head as if it were awaiting the homecoming of its master, the sparrow.  Cosette had been trying hard not to look at that.  "Yes it is," the lady snapped.  "But I don't see what a person like _you _would be doing here."

"I'm here for the seven days of  free lessons."

"It seems like they're letting anyone in these days.  Oh well, I guess I've seen worse. . . I guess.  Come with me.  Fill out these forms and then join the ladies in the parlor."

After filling out the forms, Cosette was led into a small room where there were about ten other females, ranging in age, lined up against the wall. 

"Good evening," Madame Bouvier barked.

Cosette went to join the other girls.  "Good evening, Madame Bouvier," they answered.

"Today, you will be carrying several books across the room, and showing proper table manners.  Cosette Pontmercy, you're first!"

Cosette had no idea what Madame Bouvier had meant by "carrying" books across the room.  

Madame Bouvier sighed impatiently.  "Now would be a good time!"

  


She still didn't know what to do, but Cosette picked up the books that Madame Bouvier had placed on the table and started walking to the end of the room.

Madame Bouvier looked at Cosette as if she were the most stupid creature on earth.  "No, no, carry the books on your head."

"On my _head_?"

"Oui, on your head."

The other students laughed.  "She can't balance it on her head 'cause it's too full of air," one of them cried out.   

"Here," a quiet girl who appeared to be near Cosette's age said softly, "let me show you." 

Cosette spent the next two hours learning how inadequate she was in the world of high fashion and high society.  'At least,' she thought to herself, 'now I know how to be the woman Marius wants me to be.  I was so ignorant.  I didn't realize how hard it is to be a proper lady nor how important it is.'  By the end of her first session Cosette was able to balance one book atop her head while taking a few steps, could identify her "underclass accent" and pronounce words with " the proper French refinement," and discovered that she had absolutely no fashion sense, whatsoever.  None! 


	3. Slingshots, Poets, and Other Strange Thi...

Disclaimer: I must admit, _Les Miserables _is not mine.  Alas.  *angst*

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1************************************************

            "Courfeyrac, I don't think she's pregnant," Marius said once again confiding in his best friend.

            "Well, what do you think's going on?"

            "I'm not sure, but she's been crying a lot when I get home, and  yesterday she called me "dahling.""

            "Ah, yes, the "dahling" symptom."

            "You mean you've heard of this before?"

            Courfeyrac looked uneasy.  "Well, only in extreme cases."

            "And?"

            "And if she's not pregnant, then it appears she's just gotten bored with you."

            "You mean she's- no, she couldn't be!  I hope."

            "There's only one way to find out," Courfeyrac said knowingly as he gazed sadly at his friend.

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            Gavroche fitted another stone into his slingshot.  He found it greatly amusing to break street lamps with this novelty.  Where did the sprite pick up such a weapon?  Only Gavroche and the good Lord knew for sure.  Gavroche pulled back on the slingshot and was about to let go, when a hand came down firmly on his shoulder.  Gavroche instinctively whirled around, causing the stone to misfire and fly sharply into his captor's arm.  He instantly recognized his victim.  "Um. . . Pontmercy?  What are you doing about the streets so late at night?"

            Marius winced.  "I came here to. . .watch the flowers grow."

            Gavroche quirked an eyebrow.

            "Okay, you caught me.  I'm really spying on Cosette, she should be coming back from one of her classes right now.  Listen, I'm too big to hide and watch her, so I was wondering if you'd do that for me."   

            "Well, it's dark out — not a usual time for running errands."

            "Name your price, gamin."

            "Five sous."

            Marius patted his pocket.  He only had five sous with him.  "How about three sous."      "Fine, but only 'cause you saved my life back at the barricade."  And with that, Gavroche nimbly clambered up a tree just a few feet away from where Cosette would have to pass. 

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            As Cosette passed under the tree from which Gavroche spied upon her, a multitude of thoughts swirled through her mind.  She had assumed that Marius would love the new her, but he just looked confused when she got home, as if she'd done something wrong.  Cosette was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she didn't notice the young man she collided with until it was too late.  "I'm sorry, Monsieur," she muttered.

            "You're Marius' wife, aren't you?  I'm Jean Prouvaire, one of the revolutionary students."

            "Oh, really?" Cosette's voice quivered as she held back tears.

            "Yeah, I. . .are you okay?"

            "Marius doesn't love me," Cosette wailed as she began to sob.   

        Jean Prouvaire allowed Cosette to cry on his shoulder.  "Shhh," he comforted.  "Of course he loves you."

            A few moments later, Gavroche climbed down from the tree and skittered over to Marius to make his report.

            "Well, what happened?" Marius inquired impatiently.

            "She was walking along the path muttering something to herself, when she bumped into Jehan.  Then. . .," Gavroche's voice trailed off as he noticed how deeply interested Marius was.  "And that's where my mind kind of trails off.  You see, I haven't had a decent meal in ages."

            Marius rolled his eyes and placed his last two sous in Gavroche's grubby hand.  "Will that cover it, gamin?"

            Gavroche nodded as the sous quickly disappeared in his pocket.  "And then, Jehan started rubbing her shoulders and she was clinging on to him as if she'd never let go.  After that, they hugged and walked away and some bourgeois scum came around, but don't you worry, that's what slingshots are for.  The man must've thought that the sky was falling, 'cause he ran away so fast . . . Marius?" Gavroche looked around noticing that Marius was nowhere to be seen.  Gavroche shrugged and broke forth into song as he walked away, unaware of the chaos he'd just caused.


End file.
